A Guy With Some Marvel Cards

I’ve read a lot of X-Men comics in my time. Like a LOT.

From Uncanny to X-Men to New Mutants to Generation X to X-Factor. I read the fucking X-Terminators mini. I read EVERY goddamn Age of Apocalypse title from the original run (yes, even X-Universe) (But not Gambit and the X-ternals, because fuck that noise. Gambit sucks in any universe). 

I can tell you things about Beast (and Dark Beast), Havok, Artie and Leech, Thunderbird AND Warpath, Cassandra Nova, Senator Kelly, Wolverine (including that period when he didn’t have a nose and wore a bandanna for… reasons), Husk, Bishop, Gambit (know your enemy), Sugarman, Random, Maggot, and about a bajillion others (but if we REALLY get into this topic I’ll probably talk mostly about Mohawk Storm because Mohawk Storm makes me feel feelings about things). 

Anyway, I have a lot of X-knowledge and I still don’t understand how Magik’s powers work. Is she a mutant? Is it magic? I think there are demons involved? Why is she in the X-Men? Shouldn’t she be kicking around with Dr. Strange and Wong? 

I don’t get it. 

And yeah, I probably could have read a Wiki or even flipped the card over (or just looked at the back while I was mugging for the camera here), but what is this a RESEARCH blog about reading? No it is not. 

You wanna start some fights? 

Have a conversation with almost any X-Men fan and casually mention a preference for either the above pictured (totally stupid) yellow and brown costume or the classic (and a million times superior) yellow and blue. 

Then just sit back and watch the sparks fly. 

There’s always that one woman in your life. You know the one. THAT one. 

Maybe it’s an on again/off again relationship or a long distance thing or maybe a “friends with benefits when we’re in the same place we’re together unless we’re not and it’s all really confusing” mess. 

But no matter HOW you define it, when she comes to town it’s never quiet and shit goes DOWN and it’s so fucking passionate and chaotic and crazy and you’re in love, but as great as it is it’s also hella complicated and sometimes tempers flare and you fight and shit keeps getting blown up and there are probably some space pirates or alien parasites or some intergalactic conflict bringing the possibility of the extermination of all life on earth crashing down on your doorstep? 

Yeah, I’ve been in that relationship. At least Xavier gets a hover-chair out of the deal. 

I’ve covered most of Kylun’s shortcomings in a previous post (nice hair, dick (Not Kylun, me. Well… also Kylun I guess))., but never let it be said that I’m not willing to beat a dead horse if there’s even a micron of (supposed) comedy to squeeze out of it. 

So here’s the Jim Lee baddassified version of Kylun and I’ll admit he looks a little tougher than the last one, but Kylun gonna Kylun so I’m not sure how seriously I can take the Michael Winslow from Police Academy of Excalibur no matter HOW many swords and grimaces he has. 

And between the fur and the metal pants (and how do THOSE even work? Even if they DO have some sort of space technology that makes them lightweight and flexible or whatever you just KNOW Kylun has gotten lil Kylun pinched in there somewhere and that’s GOT to hurt… no wonder he looks so mad.) KyKy has got to smell like a wet dog blanket that’s been in the trunk for a month. 

Additional Notes: Way too keep the background simple and uncluttered here, Ed. Doorway, three different bits of trim/molding converging, tiny bit of action figure over my shoulder, smoke detector… bang up job paying attention to the details. Idiot. 

agentmlovestacos:

Some classic #XMen trading cards at @Marvel HQ. Art by @jimlee. I LOVE GIDEON SO MUCH. #comics #art #illustration (Taken with Instagram)

The promised land… 

Gideon’s hair might out 90’s even Maverick (but not Shatterstar. NEVER Shatterstar). 

I’m going to be up front here. I’ve failed you on this one. 

I wanted so badly to write something clever about Boom Boom and the era she came from. Something about X-Force and what they were all about. How they represented, for better or worse, a sort of changing of the guard for Marvel and the entire X-Universe. Maybe even some REALLY stretched thing about Boom Boom’s vapid personality and ability to create brightly colored flashy time bombs and how that’s totally a metaphor for the shiny, explosive, but ultimately empty flash that was comics in the 90s. 

I set out wanting to do ALL of that. 

But when I look at this card and I see her name all I can hear in my head is a big fat kid filling his diaper and saying “UH OH! I MADE A BOOM BOOM!”. 

So that’s what you get. 

I’m so sorry. 

Ha HA! Do you see what I’ve done here? I’ve used a pen to write a question after the name of W.H.O. to indicate that I have no idea WHO (GET IT!?!??!) these guys are. This is the absolute HEIGHT of my comedic abilities. Seriously, it is. This is all I have. 

Surprise, they’re associated with Excalibur or something. I’m so sick of those guys. I swear I’ve been reading comics for over 20 years and there was NEVER a time in my life when I cared about Excalibur and yet if these trading cards are any indication they were a BIG DEAL at some point. 

(Also, please spare me your emails, tweets, messages, threats, etc extolling the virtues of any version of Excalibur past, present, or future. I’ll never care. I promise.) 

Gambit in all of his Jim Lee drawn, 3D, hologrammed glory! 

Still terrible. Just the worst. 

Plus Gambit’s from the backwood bayous of Louisiana or something so if he even SAW a hologram he’d probably think it was voodoo magic and try to kill it with fire. What an idiot. 

thedazzlingone:

fuckyeahalisonblaire:

aguywithsomemarvelcards:

This is not a Dazzler that I’m familiar with. 

I know Disco Dazzler. She was pretty cool, but this looks like geared up, paramilitary Dazzler. I don’t know her. 

That said, Dazzler’s powers are pretty cool. She turns sound into light and energy blasts (have Dazzler and Siryn ever teamed up? That’s some Thelma and Louise lady power team-up shit that practically writes itself right there. YOU’RE WELCOME, MARVEL!).

I’d like to have Dazzler’s powers at about 1:45 AM every morning when the bar across the street empties out. Zapping loud, drunk dickheads with energy blasts powered by their own slurred, nonsensical shouting would be really REALLY satisfying. 

Dazz and Siryn have teamed up two times, but I don’t think they were the awesome moments they could have been, though :[ Hopefully, if they do team up again, it’ll be the awesome I know it could be.

Great card :)

Teaming up!

Asked and answered. Thanks, die hard Dazzler fans (and who knew that there were die hard Dazzler fans?).

This is not a Dazzler that I’m familiar with. 

I know Disco Dazzler. She was pretty cool, but this looks like geared up, paramilitary Dazzler. I don’t know her. 

That said, Dazzler’s powers are pretty cool. She turns sound into light and energy blasts (have Dazzler and Siryn ever teamed up? That’s some Thelma and Louise lady power team-up shit that practically writes itself right there. YOU’RE WELCOME, MARVEL!).

I’d like to have Dazzler’s powers at about 1:45 AM every morning when the bar across the street empties out. Zapping loud, drunk dickheads with energy blasts powered by their own slurred, nonsensical shouting would be really REALLY satisfying. 

Question: Who’s more 90s? 

Bishop has the hair (and for an AWESOME write-up about Bishop’s hair check this out) and the big gun, but Maverick has the belts and the ammo and the headgear/mask thing AND the mysterious backstory and shady links to Wolverine’s past (you guys have heard of Wolverine, right? He has a mysterious past in case you didn’t know. At least he did in the 90s). 

Use the ASK PAGE or chime in below. 

The question is: WHO’S MORE 90S?

Reminder: Gambit is terrible. 

Hang on, let me Gambit that up for you: ”Jus’ so’s you don’ be forgettin’ Gambit is trés terriblé my petite”. 

If your key characteristic is a badly written accent then you’re terrible. 

A lot of things during this era of comics got “grim and gritty” and much of it was needless posturing to try to make comics hardcore and cool and adult. So much of it was incredibly lame and obviously trying too hard. They just made everyone ANGRY. Sometimes for no reason. 

But I don’t care if that’s where this version of Archangel came from because he’s TOTALLY awesome. Trading in your feathery wings for razor sharp tools of death and oh by the way your skin is now blue? Upgrade I say. 

Plus since his wings are all mechanical or whatever the fact that he could fold them up and hide them inside his clothes or that backpack or whatever suddenly made a lot more sense. 

C’mon… The secondary color of his costume is PINK and he’s still fucking hardcore. 

Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years. 

Ok, well not HERE here, but I’ve been around. I’ve been sorting cards and shredding packs and shit. 

So here we go with Uncanny X-Men Trading Cards featuring art by Mr. Jim Lee. 

Right out of the box there’s some mutie weirdness. TWO packs back to back were not only identical, but they BOTH contained holograms. Not bad, I’m impressed with this box so far. 

Are you a fan of these cards? Have a card or a character that you’d like to see featured? Gimme a shout in the ask page. 

The Collector, eh? Excuse me. No “The”, just Collector. How are we making the call on that? Who decides which characters get a “The” before their name? People are always saying “The Batman”, “The Green Lantern”, “The Hulk”, and “The Green Goblin”, but I’ve never heard anyone say “The Spider-Man”, “The Superman”, or “The Captain America”. Someone get on that. 

And this space nerd is the Collector of what exactly? Insane 90s costume cliches? Seriously, just LOOK at those boots/shinguards/silver knee pads. What is going ON there? 

This guy was Hoarders before Hoarders was a thing. He doesn’t need the Avengers to defeat him, he needs an intervention, a maid, and a storage locker.