A Guy With Some Marvel Cards

Ha HA! Do you see what I’ve done here? I’ve used a pen to write a question after the name of W.H.O. to indicate that I have no idea WHO (GET IT!?!??!) these guys are. This is the absolute HEIGHT of my comedic abilities. Seriously, it is. This is all I have. 

Surprise, they’re associated with Excalibur or something. I’m so sick of those guys. I swear I’ve been reading comics for over 20 years and there was NEVER a time in my life when I cared about Excalibur and yet if these trading cards are any indication they were a BIG DEAL at some point. 

(Also, please spare me your emails, tweets, messages, threats, etc extolling the virtues of any version of Excalibur past, present, or future. I’ll never care. I promise.) 

Gambit in all of his Jim Lee drawn, 3D, hologrammed glory! 

Still terrible. Just the worst. 

Plus Gambit’s from the backwood bayous of Louisiana or something so if he even SAW a hologram he’d probably think it was voodoo magic and try to kill it with fire. What an idiot. 

thedazzlingone:

fuckyeahalisonblaire:

aguywithsomemarvelcards:

This is not a Dazzler that I’m familiar with. 

I know Disco Dazzler. She was pretty cool, but this looks like geared up, paramilitary Dazzler. I don’t know her. 

That said, Dazzler’s powers are pretty cool. She turns sound into light and energy blasts (have Dazzler and Siryn ever teamed up? That’s some Thelma and Louise lady power team-up shit that practically writes itself right there. YOU’RE WELCOME, MARVEL!).

I’d like to have Dazzler’s powers at about 1:45 AM every morning when the bar across the street empties out. Zapping loud, drunk dickheads with energy blasts powered by their own slurred, nonsensical shouting would be really REALLY satisfying. 

Dazz and Siryn have teamed up two times, but I don’t think they were the awesome moments they could have been, though :[ Hopefully, if they do team up again, it’ll be the awesome I know it could be.

Great card :)

Teaming up!

Asked and answered. Thanks, die hard Dazzler fans (and who knew that there were die hard Dazzler fans?).

This is not a Dazzler that I’m familiar with. 

I know Disco Dazzler. She was pretty cool, but this looks like geared up, paramilitary Dazzler. I don’t know her. 

That said, Dazzler’s powers are pretty cool. She turns sound into light and energy blasts (have Dazzler and Siryn ever teamed up? That’s some Thelma and Louise lady power team-up shit that practically writes itself right there. YOU’RE WELCOME, MARVEL!).

I’d like to have Dazzler’s powers at about 1:45 AM every morning when the bar across the street empties out. Zapping loud, drunk dickheads with energy blasts powered by their own slurred, nonsensical shouting would be really REALLY satisfying. 

Question: Who’s more 90s? 

Bishop has the hair (and for an AWESOME write-up about Bishop’s hair check this out) and the big gun, but Maverick has the belts and the ammo and the headgear/mask thing AND the mysterious backstory and shady links to Wolverine’s past (you guys have heard of Wolverine, right? He has a mysterious past in case you didn’t know. At least he did in the 90s). 

Use the ASK PAGE or chime in below. 

The question is: WHO’S MORE 90S?

Reminder: Gambit is terrible. 

Hang on, let me Gambit that up for you: ”Jus’ so’s you don’ be forgettin’ Gambit is trés terriblé my petite”. 

If your key characteristic is a badly written accent then you’re terrible. 

A lot of things during this era of comics got “grim and gritty” and much of it was needless posturing to try to make comics hardcore and cool and adult. So much of it was incredibly lame and obviously trying too hard. They just made everyone ANGRY. Sometimes for no reason. 

But I don’t care if that’s where this version of Archangel came from because he’s TOTALLY awesome. Trading in your feathery wings for razor sharp tools of death and oh by the way your skin is now blue? Upgrade I say. 

Plus since his wings are all mechanical or whatever the fact that he could fold them up and hide them inside his clothes or that backpack or whatever suddenly made a lot more sense. 

C’mon… The secondary color of his costume is PINK and he’s still fucking hardcore. 

Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years. 

Ok, well not HERE here, but I’ve been around. I’ve been sorting cards and shredding packs and shit. 

So here we go with Uncanny X-Men Trading Cards featuring art by Mr. Jim Lee. 

Right out of the box there’s some mutie weirdness. TWO packs back to back were not only identical, but they BOTH contained holograms. Not bad, I’m impressed with this box so far. 

Are you a fan of these cards? Have a card or a character that you’d like to see featured? Gimme a shout in the ask page. 

The Collector, eh? Excuse me. No “The”, just Collector. How are we making the call on that? Who decides which characters get a “The” before their name? People are always saying “The Batman”, “The Green Lantern”, “The Hulk”, and “The Green Goblin”, but I’ve never heard anyone say “The Spider-Man”, “The Superman”, or “The Captain America”. Someone get on that. 

And this space nerd is the Collector of what exactly? Insane 90s costume cliches? Seriously, just LOOK at those boots/shinguards/silver knee pads. What is going ON there? 

This guy was Hoarders before Hoarders was a thing. He doesn’t need the Avengers to defeat him, he needs an intervention, a maid, and a storage locker. 

Look at that outfit. Just LOOK at it. That’s not an ok thing to put in a comic book that awkward kids are going to read. 

The X-Men and my adolescence induced raging hormones combined to give me a lot of weird boners. 

Of all of Professor X’s various conveyances I always liked this hover chair the best. It reminds me of the Jim Lee era as well as the cartoon that was a staple of every young X-fan’s nostalgic life-quilt. 

But what the hell is with 90s Marvel’s obsession with the white suit jacket? Red Skull, Professor X, The Kingpin… All wearing white jackets and looking like they should be staffing The Love Boat. 

Hang on… I have to go write my Marvel/Love Boat fanfic. 

Hate-Monger “possess the superhuman power to control and structure the hate and bigotry of others”. 

Hate-Monger is basically Glenn Beck. 

(See how I stayed away from the trench coat this time? Even though he appears to be wearing his trench coat with the SLEEVES ROLLED UP! I’m maturing you guys.) 

Oh. Oh my. 

This is clearly a case of someone being the most powerful crime boss in New York City (and possibly the entire Marvel U) and none of his flunkies saying “Hey boss… maybe between the pink pants (AND VEST), jewel topped cane, white jacket, and ascot you should maybe reevaluate your overall look”. 

At least the bottom button on his jacket is undone. I think that’s right… What do I know, I’ve been wearing basically the same black t-shrit in every picture I’ve taken for the site. 

Of all the space creature Swamp Thing looking weird intergalactic beings with unsettling baby faces Epoch is definitely my favorite. 

Also, he apparently hangs out with Quasar… So that’s automatic street/space-cred I guess because nothing says A-list like rolling around with a guy named Wendell. 

I’m not even going to get into the hair or the whole trench coat thing this time around because let’s be real I’ve beaten that horse right to death (and to be even MORE real, I’ll get back to beating that horse sometime within the next several posts). 

Wandering vigilante with a baby strapped to his back fighting crime, injustice and such? 

This sounds familiar somehow… 

And can you carry a baby and a gun at the same time? That seems wildly unsafe. Even the open carry goofs would probably take issue with that.