A Guy With Some Marvel Cards

super-graphic:

Storm stats.

Sadly they failed to include the most vital Storm stat of them all: Percentage better (and hotter) Mohawk Storm is than all other Storms: 1,000,000,000,000,000% 

Don’t even question this. I’ve done the maths. 

xcyclopswasrightx:

Just found my favorite Gambit cosplay, EVER.

Anyone know her name?

Ok… This is an improvement. 

But Gambit is still awful. 

daveloves90scomics:

terribletriplefeatures:

Punisher 2099 by Joe Jusko

This is for you, Shawn Depasquale.

You only THINK his crotch is super well armored and protected, but if memory serves those cylinder-y things were some kind of grenade/missile explosive devices. 

If I had to choose a place to carry my high explosives it probably wouldn’t be right on top of my dick, but that’s just me. 

The future is weird… 

Uncanny X-Men in a basketball match by Jim Lee

I can’t even tell you how much I always loved the sports themed issues and scenes from X-Men. Anytime they’d play softball, football, basketball, or whatever it was always great. 

Even if they always followed a similar pattern of “hey we said no powers!” they were still so so great. 

If they sold a collection of all of those I swear I’d buy it. 

(via brianmichaelbendis)

daveloves90scomics:

Rob Liefeld and Eazy-E. Youngbloodz n Crips. Because 90’s.

Yeah, so when I’m wondering what the hell was going on in the 90’s to produce such whacked out cards and characters as currently featured (mocked) on A Guy With Some Marvel Cards I have to remember that it was an era that produced team-ups and photographs like this one. 

Stuff like Epoch looks downright normal by comparison, doesn’t it? 

(Now an Eazy-E/Easy Reader crossover? THAT would have been RAD!)

I was on a podcast! Loikamania episode 115 to be exact. 

And I was great! Ok, the other guys were great, but I think I kept up ok. 

We talked about 90’s comics and if you like Marvel Trading Cards (and I assume that you do because you’re reading this, but maybe you just like beard-y guys making stupid facial expressions at a webcam and if so you’re out of luck because I haven’t done a podcast about that… yet) then chances are you’re a fan of 90’s comics.

If you’re not a fan of 90’s comics you’re probably at least AWARE of them (unless you had some sort of of experimental brain surgery to remove all knowledge of 90’s comics from your brain. Which I GUESS is possible, but that seems unlikely and more than a little extreme even if it WOULD scrub all remnants of Maximum Carnage from your brain… Hmmmm… Actually, if you DID get that surgery can you give me the name of your doctor?). 

In any event perhaps you’ll enjoy hearing two handsome and funny gentlemen and also me talking about 90’s comics. I guess it’s also possible (a pessimist might even say probable) that you’ll hate every single second of it. I can’t help you with that, but I am a little curious about the long series of life choices that brought you to this point in your existence where you’re incapable of feeling joy.

I pity you. 

Wherever you fall on the “ability to feel joy” spectrum you should definitely listen to this podcast. For a fun drinking game take a drink every time I interrupt Pat or Dave, talk over everyone else, derail the conversation, or get distracted and forget what I was  

Later, when you sober up (assuming you aren’t dead from alcohol poisoning within the first 18 minutes of the show), you should listen to ALL of Pat’s podcasts and follow him on Twitter because he likes comics and you like comics so maybe you’ll all be best friends forever.

On a personal note, I like Pat. I’m envious of his boundless optimism and steadfast commitment to talking about and supporting things that he likes in and about comics instead bitching about and shitting all over things he doesn’t like. It’s an ugly place where comics meet the internet and it can quickly turn into a wretched hive of scum and villainy where cynical, cowardly, and superstitious fans spend more time talking about what they DON’T like (writers who mix their pop culture references) than what they do (beards). But Pat says “FUCK THAT” (he probably says it nicer than that because he’s SO fucking nice) and commits his time and energy to books, artists, writers, and stories that he genuinely enjoys. Pat’s a pretty great guy (even if he is constantly threatening to destroy me). 

And because I don’t want Dave to feel left out (and because I sort of owe him a solid since I stole the entire premise of this very site from him), you should do ALL of your Christmas and/or Hanukkah shopping at his Lucky Lefty Art Emporium and Discount Speaker Outlet (which may not be what his online shop is actually called, but maybe it should be. That one’s on me Dave. We’re even now.) because he’s a ridiculously talented painter and you or someone you love would be damn lucky to hang one of his paintings on your or their wall (people you hate would probably like his paintings as well, but seriously why are you buying Christmas presents for your enemies? If you’re anything like me that’s going to, like, triple the amount of shopping you have to do). 

I’m going to be up front here. I’ve failed you on this one. 

I wanted so badly to write something clever about Boom Boom and the era she came from. Something about X-Force and what they were all about. How they represented, for better or worse, a sort of changing of the guard for Marvel and the entire X-Universe. Maybe even some REALLY stretched thing about Boom Boom’s vapid personality and ability to create brightly colored flashy time bombs and how that’s totally a metaphor for the shiny, explosive, but ultimately empty flash that was comics in the 90s. 

I set out wanting to do ALL of that. 

But when I look at this card and I see her name all I can hear in my head is a big fat kid filling his diaper and saying “UH OH! I MADE A BOOM BOOM!”. 

So that’s what you get. 

I’m so sorry. 

This is not a Dazzler that I’m familiar with. 

I know Disco Dazzler. She was pretty cool, but this looks like geared up, paramilitary Dazzler. I don’t know her. 

That said, Dazzler’s powers are pretty cool. She turns sound into light and energy blasts (have Dazzler and Siryn ever teamed up? That’s some Thelma and Louise lady power team-up shit that practically writes itself right there. YOU’RE WELCOME, MARVEL!).

I’d like to have Dazzler’s powers at about 1:45 AM every morning when the bar across the street empties out. Zapping loud, drunk dickheads with energy blasts powered by their own slurred, nonsensical shouting would be really REALLY satisfying. 

Look at that outfit. Just LOOK at it. That’s not an ok thing to put in a comic book that awkward kids are going to read. 

The X-Men and my adolescence induced raging hormones combined to give me a lot of weird boners. 

Of all of Professor X’s various conveyances I always liked this hover chair the best. It reminds me of the Jim Lee era as well as the cartoon that was a staple of every young X-fan’s nostalgic life-quilt. 

But what the hell is with 90s Marvel’s obsession with the white suit jacket? Red Skull, Professor X, The Kingpin… All wearing white jackets and looking like they should be staffing The Love Boat. 

Hang on… I have to go write my Marvel/Love Boat fanfic. 

Hate-Monger “possess the superhuman power to control and structure the hate and bigotry of others”. 

Hate-Monger is basically Glenn Beck. 

(See how I stayed away from the trench coat this time? Even though he appears to be wearing his trench coat with the SLEEVES ROLLED UP! I’m maturing you guys.) 

Oh. Oh my. 

This is clearly a case of someone being the most powerful crime boss in New York City (and possibly the entire Marvel U) and none of his flunkies saying “Hey boss… maybe between the pink pants (AND VEST), jewel topped cane, white jacket, and ascot you should maybe reevaluate your overall look”. 

At least the bottom button on his jacket is undone. I think that’s right… What do I know, I’ve been wearing basically the same black t-shrit in every picture I’ve taken for the site. 

Of all the space creature Swamp Thing looking weird intergalactic beings with unsettling baby faces Epoch is definitely my favorite. 

Also, he apparently hangs out with Quasar… So that’s automatic street/space-cred I guess because nothing says A-list like rolling around with a guy named Wendell. 

I’m not even going to get into the hair or the whole trench coat thing this time around because let’s be real I’ve beaten that horse right to death (and to be even MORE real, I’ll get back to beating that horse sometime within the next several posts). 

Wandering vigilante with a baby strapped to his back fighting crime, injustice and such? 

This sounds familiar somehow… 

And can you carry a baby and a gun at the same time? That seems wildly unsafe. Even the open carry goofs would probably take issue with that. 

It’s all here. Mullet, thigh belt, inexplicably shaped throwing knives. 

If Longshot had a trench coat he would BE 90s Marvel. 

Also, I will forever and always fail to understand how “good luck powers” work. How’s that work? Stuff just sort of works out for you? Isn’t that kind of the same as being a really hot girl? Where you’re hot and everyone likes you and gives you stuff and does stuff for you and things just sort of naturally work out in your favor? 

That’s kind of how I see good luck powers working. Basically every hot chick I know is Longshot, but with better hair. Hopefully.