A Guy With Some Marvel Cards

This is not a Dazzler that I’m familiar with. 

I know Disco Dazzler. She was pretty cool, but this looks like geared up, paramilitary Dazzler. I don’t know her. 

That said, Dazzler’s powers are pretty cool. She turns sound into light and energy blasts (have Dazzler and Siryn ever teamed up? That’s some Thelma and Louise lady power team-up shit that practically writes itself right there. YOU’RE WELCOME, MARVEL!).

I’d like to have Dazzler’s powers at about 1:45 AM every morning when the bar across the street empties out. Zapping loud, drunk dickheads with energy blasts powered by their own slurred, nonsensical shouting would be really REALLY satisfying. 

Look at that outfit. Just LOOK at it. That’s not an ok thing to put in a comic book that awkward kids are going to read. 

The X-Men and my adolescence induced raging hormones combined to give me a lot of weird boners. 

Of all of Professor X’s various conveyances I always liked this hover chair the best. It reminds me of the Jim Lee era as well as the cartoon that was a staple of every young X-fan’s nostalgic life-quilt. 

But what the hell is with 90s Marvel’s obsession with the white suit jacket? Red Skull, Professor X, The Kingpin… All wearing white jackets and looking like they should be staffing The Love Boat. 

Hang on… I have to go write my Marvel/Love Boat fanfic. 

Hate-Monger “possess the superhuman power to control and structure the hate and bigotry of others”. 

Hate-Monger is basically Glenn Beck. 

(See how I stayed away from the trench coat this time? Even though he appears to be wearing his trench coat with the SLEEVES ROLLED UP! I’m maturing you guys.) 

Oh. Oh my. 

This is clearly a case of someone being the most powerful crime boss in New York City (and possibly the entire Marvel U) and none of his flunkies saying “Hey boss… maybe between the pink pants (AND VEST), jewel topped cane, white jacket, and ascot you should maybe reevaluate your overall look”. 

At least the bottom button on his jacket is undone. I think that’s right… What do I know, I’ve been wearing basically the same black t-shrit in every picture I’ve taken for the site. 

Of all the space creature Swamp Thing looking weird intergalactic beings with unsettling baby faces Epoch is definitely my favorite. 

Also, he apparently hangs out with Quasar… So that’s automatic street/space-cred I guess because nothing says A-list like rolling around with a guy named Wendell. 

I’m not even going to get into the hair or the whole trench coat thing this time around because let’s be real I’ve beaten that horse right to death (and to be even MORE real, I’ll get back to beating that horse sometime within the next several posts). 

Wandering vigilante with a baby strapped to his back fighting crime, injustice and such? 

This sounds familiar somehow… 

And can you carry a baby and a gun at the same time? That seems wildly unsafe. Even the open carry goofs would probably take issue with that. 

It’s all here. Mullet, thigh belt, inexplicably shaped throwing knives. 

If Longshot had a trench coat he would BE 90s Marvel. 

Also, I will forever and always fail to understand how “good luck powers” work. How’s that work? Stuff just sort of works out for you? Isn’t that kind of the same as being a really hot girl? Where you’re hot and everyone likes you and gives you stuff and does stuff for you and things just sort of naturally work out in your favor? 

That’s kind of how I see good luck powers working. Basically every hot chick I know is Longshot, but with better hair. Hopefully. 

So look. We’ve been at this for a while. Let’s take a look at some of the things that we here at A Guy With Some Marvel Cards INC feel strongly about: 

• Trenchcoats 
• Mullets, ponytails, and other crimes against hair perpetrated throughout the 90s 
• Luke Cage 
• Bad female/younger versions of characters that are invented for no other reason than to have a female/younger version of a character exist 
• The mediocrity of Excalibur 
• Amazingly bad accents/dialects 

Cannonball is from Kentucky. Guess which category HE falls into. 

Awwww shucks y’all… you’d have to be crazier than a barn cat fulla moonshine to try to guess this one. 

Sweet goggles though. Those things are way on point. 

But seriously, a filthy mutie AND from Kentucky… Poor rocket powered kid can’t catch a break. 

The hardest thing about being the Punisher is that your pants are ALWAYS falling down at the thighs. Luckily Microchip (who tragically doesn’t have a card in this set, because who DOESN’T love a pudgy nerd who hangs out in a van and knows a lot about weapons) rigged up these sweet thigh belts to keep Frank’s pants from doing anything stupid. 

Good lookin’ out Micro. 

Sweet! Checklist!

Now I can finally start keeping track of all of these. But wait… I don’t want to mark up this pristine checklist card. So now I have to wait until I get another one before I can start checking things off.

Dammit.

Brought back to life by a Moon God. Got that? 

It doesn’t say this on the card, but I swear I remember it being true that Moon Knight’s powers waxed and waned (MOON TERMS) with the phases of the Moon. Moon Knight should fight Captain Britain somewhere outside of England during a new moon and I would totally be interested in that (no I wouldn’t). 

Also, the back of this card has like four or five exclamation points. I think they’re trying too hard to get me hyped up about Moon Knight. 

I can see the pitch meeting where this dude was cooked up. 

“We’ll awkwardly cram together Iron Man and The Falcon then we’ll paint him black. What’s that? You want some Wolverine type claws thrown in? Done.” 

But at least he has a cool origin right? RIGHT? Where are you going? 

“Just an ordinary teenager until he happened upon an abandoned amusement park, young Chris Powell saw his life change when he discovered an arcane amulet in the ruins.” 

Happened upon an abandoned amusement park? What was he doing Scooby Doo LARPing? And this abandoned amusement park was home to some sort of magic amulet? Junkies hadn’t turned that up in what must have been numerous passes through “the ruins” looking for anything of value. 

You’re suspect Darkhawk… SUSPECT! 

This is the sort of thing that I can get behind. Just your average hood from the streets who got experimented on by the government while in prison trying to make good teamed up with a wealthy martial artist. It’s a story as old as time. 

Blaxpotation is cool, right? So are kung-fu, martial arts, and ninjas! Fuck it, slap em together into one AWESOME BOOK!

Wait a minute. In the last picture I had new glasses, but now I’m back to my old ones. This is the sort of continuity error that REALLY pulls you, the poor reader, out of the story. 

Can anyone No-Prize this for me?

Cosmic shmosmic. This guy is a fucking pervy weirdo.