A Guy With Some Marvel Cards

I’ve read a lot of X-Men comics in my time. Like a LOT.

From Uncanny to X-Men to New Mutants to Generation X to X-Factor. I read the fucking X-Terminators mini. I read EVERY goddamn Age of Apocalypse title from the original run (yes, even X-Universe) (But not Gambit and the X-ternals, because fuck that noise. Gambit sucks in any universe). 

I can tell you things about Beast (and Dark Beast), Havok, Artie and Leech, Thunderbird AND Warpath, Cassandra Nova, Senator Kelly, Wolverine (including that period when he didn’t have a nose and wore a bandanna for… reasons), Husk, Bishop, Gambit (know your enemy), Sugarman, Random, Maggot, and about a bajillion others (but if we REALLY get into this topic I’ll probably talk mostly about Mohawk Storm because Mohawk Storm makes me feel feelings about things). 

Anyway, I have a lot of X-knowledge and I still don’t understand how Magik’s powers work. Is she a mutant? Is it magic? I think there are demons involved? Why is she in the X-Men? Shouldn’t she be kicking around with Dr. Strange and Wong? 

I don’t get it. 

And yeah, I probably could have read a Wiki or even flipped the card over (or just looked at the back while I was mugging for the camera here), but what is this a RESEARCH blog about reading? No it is not. 

You wanna start some fights? 

Have a conversation with almost any X-Men fan and casually mention a preference for either the above pictured (totally stupid) yellow and brown costume or the classic (and a million times superior) yellow and blue. 

Then just sit back and watch the sparks fly. 

There’s always that one woman in your life. You know the one. THAT one. 

Maybe it’s an on again/off again relationship or a long distance thing or maybe a “friends with benefits when we’re in the same place we’re together unless we’re not and it’s all really confusing” mess. 

But no matter HOW you define it, when she comes to town it’s never quiet and shit goes DOWN and it’s so fucking passionate and chaotic and crazy and you’re in love, but as great as it is it’s also hella complicated and sometimes tempers flare and you fight and shit keeps getting blown up and there are probably some space pirates or alien parasites or some intergalactic conflict bringing the possibility of the extermination of all life on earth crashing down on your doorstep? 

Yeah, I’ve been in that relationship. At least Xavier gets a hover-chair out of the deal. 

super-graphic:

Storm stats.

Sadly they failed to include the most vital Storm stat of them all: Percentage better (and hotter) Mohawk Storm is than all other Storms: 1,000,000,000,000,000% 

Don’t even question this. I’ve done the maths. 

xcyclopswasrightx:

Just found my favorite Gambit cosplay, EVER.

Anyone know her name?

Ok… This is an improvement. 

But Gambit is still awful. 

I’ve covered most of Kylun’s shortcomings in a previous post (nice hair, dick (Not Kylun, me. Well… also Kylun I guess))., but never let it be said that I’m not willing to beat a dead horse if there’s even a micron of (supposed) comedy to squeeze out of it. 

So here’s the Jim Lee baddassified version of Kylun and I’ll admit he looks a little tougher than the last one, but Kylun gonna Kylun so I’m not sure how seriously I can take the Michael Winslow from Police Academy of Excalibur no matter HOW many swords and grimaces he has. 

And between the fur and the metal pants (and how do THOSE even work? Even if they DO have some sort of space technology that makes them lightweight and flexible or whatever you just KNOW Kylun has gotten lil Kylun pinched in there somewhere and that’s GOT to hurt… no wonder he looks so mad.) KyKy has got to smell like a wet dog blanket that’s been in the trunk for a month. 

Additional Notes: Way too keep the background simple and uncluttered here, Ed. Doorway, three different bits of trim/molding converging, tiny bit of action figure over my shoulder, smoke detector… bang up job paying attention to the details. Idiot. 

daveloves90scomics:

terribletriplefeatures:

Punisher 2099 by Joe Jusko

This is for you, Shawn Depasquale.

You only THINK his crotch is super well armored and protected, but if memory serves those cylinder-y things were some kind of grenade/missile explosive devices. 

If I had to choose a place to carry my high explosives it probably wouldn’t be right on top of my dick, but that’s just me. 

The future is weird… 

I almost shut this entire thing down. 

Of all the trials and tribulations of running this site (and here I’m mostly talking about the brain-space I’ve had to dedicate to wastes of time like The New Warriors) THIS bullshit was almost too much to bear. 

I’d killed the entire box of packs and after sorting and stacking and putting everything in place because there’s a place for everything I was ONE. CARD. SHORT! of the full Danger Room picture. 

Unacceptable. 

I swear to Mojo II I was about to start trawling eBay for single X-Men Series II cards and if that’s not rock bottom I don’t know what is (writing this much about The Danger Room isn’t too far away now that I think about it). 

But then I saw it. Hiding there under a pile of discarded pack wrappers like one last onion ring hiding under the side salad that came with your burger that you KNEW you weren’t going to eat I spotted one last unopened pack. 

Could it be? Could I BE that lucky? Could The Phoenix Force smile down and bestow its splendiferousness upon me in the form of the one all important missing card? 

Believe in miracles, friends. Because as improbable as it sounds that’s EXACTLY what happened. 

Boom! Done. 

So now I can die happy… Or at least moderately less sad I guess. 

And yes, bury me with my Marvel Cards. ALL of them (especially the holograms… You can keep the Gambits). 

Uncanny X-Men in a basketball match by Jim Lee

I can’t even tell you how much I always loved the sports themed issues and scenes from X-Men. Anytime they’d play softball, football, basketball, or whatever it was always great. 

Even if they always followed a similar pattern of “hey we said no powers!” they were still so so great. 

If they sold a collection of all of those I swear I’d buy it. 

(via brianmichaelbendis)

daveloves90scomics:

Rob Liefeld and Eazy-E. Youngbloodz n Crips. Because 90’s.

Yeah, so when I’m wondering what the hell was going on in the 90’s to produce such whacked out cards and characters as currently featured (mocked) on A Guy With Some Marvel Cards I have to remember that it was an era that produced team-ups and photographs like this one. 

Stuff like Epoch looks downright normal by comparison, doesn’t it? 

(Now an Eazy-E/Easy Reader crossover? THAT would have been RAD!)

agentmlovestacos:

Some classic #XMen trading cards at @Marvel HQ. Art by @jimlee. I LOVE GIDEON SO MUCH. #comics #art #illustration (Taken with Instagram)

The promised land… 

Gideon’s hair might out 90’s even Maverick (but not Shatterstar. NEVER Shatterstar). 

I’m going to be up front here. I’ve failed you on this one. 

I wanted so badly to write something clever about Boom Boom and the era she came from. Something about X-Force and what they were all about. How they represented, for better or worse, a sort of changing of the guard for Marvel and the entire X-Universe. Maybe even some REALLY stretched thing about Boom Boom’s vapid personality and ability to create brightly colored flashy time bombs and how that’s totally a metaphor for the shiny, explosive, but ultimately empty flash that was comics in the 90s. 

I set out wanting to do ALL of that. 

But when I look at this card and I see her name all I can hear in my head is a big fat kid filling his diaper and saying “UH OH! I MADE A BOOM BOOM!”. 

So that’s what you get. 

I’m so sorry. 

Ha HA! Do you see what I’ve done here? I’ve used a pen to write a question after the name of W.H.O. to indicate that I have no idea WHO (GET IT!?!??!) these guys are. This is the absolute HEIGHT of my comedic abilities. Seriously, it is. This is all I have. 

Surprise, they’re associated with Excalibur or something. I’m so sick of those guys. I swear I’ve been reading comics for over 20 years and there was NEVER a time in my life when I cared about Excalibur and yet if these trading cards are any indication they were a BIG DEAL at some point. 

(Also, please spare me your emails, tweets, messages, threats, etc extolling the virtues of any version of Excalibur past, present, or future. I’ll never care. I promise.) 

Gambit in all of his Jim Lee drawn, 3D, hologrammed glory! 

Still terrible. Just the worst. 

Plus Gambit’s from the backwood bayous of Louisiana or something so if he even SAW a hologram he’d probably think it was voodoo magic and try to kill it with fire. What an idiot. 

thedazzlingone:

fuckyeahalisonblaire:

aguywithsomemarvelcards:

This is not a Dazzler that I’m familiar with. 

I know Disco Dazzler. She was pretty cool, but this looks like geared up, paramilitary Dazzler. I don’t know her. 

That said, Dazzler’s powers are pretty cool. She turns sound into light and energy blasts (have Dazzler and Siryn ever teamed up? That’s some Thelma and Louise lady power team-up shit that practically writes itself right there. YOU’RE WELCOME, MARVEL!).

I’d like to have Dazzler’s powers at about 1:45 AM every morning when the bar across the street empties out. Zapping loud, drunk dickheads with energy blasts powered by their own slurred, nonsensical shouting would be really REALLY satisfying. 

Dazz and Siryn have teamed up two times, but I don’t think they were the awesome moments they could have been, though :[ Hopefully, if they do team up again, it’ll be the awesome I know it could be.

Great card :)

Teaming up!

Asked and answered. Thanks, die hard Dazzler fans (and who knew that there were die hard Dazzler fans?).