A Guy With Some Marvel Cards

So look. We’ve been at this for a while. Let’s take a look at some of the things that we here at A Guy With Some Marvel Cards INC feel strongly about: 

• Trenchcoats 
• Mullets, ponytails, and other crimes against hair perpetrated throughout the 90s 
• Luke Cage 
• Bad female/younger versions of characters that are invented for no other reason than to have a female/younger version of a character exist 
• The mediocrity of Excalibur 
• Amazingly bad accents/dialects 

Cannonball is from Kentucky. Guess which category HE falls into. 

Awwww shucks y’all… you’d have to be crazier than a barn cat fulla moonshine to try to guess this one. 

Sweet goggles though. Those things are way on point. 

But seriously, a filthy mutie AND from Kentucky… Poor rocket powered kid can’t catch a break. 

It’s been a straight up busted ass couple of weeks so let’s get things back on track with a sweet hologram Hulk card. 

This makes the third hologram card that I’ve pulled so far, which according to my checklist puts me just a Ghost Rider and a Venom away from a full hologram set. So basically this day is looking up already. Also, I’m pretty sure that’s a Sam Keith Hulk (feel free to correct me NERDS) so that’s pretty cool too. 

Holo-Hulk. Rescuing days from the ashes of crappiness. Thanks Holo-Hulk!  

The hardest thing about being the Punisher is that your pants are ALWAYS falling down at the thighs. Luckily Microchip (who tragically doesn’t have a card in this set, because who DOESN’T love a pudgy nerd who hangs out in a van and knows a lot about weapons) rigged up these sweet thigh belts to keep Frank’s pants from doing anything stupid. 

Good lookin’ out Micro. 

Fuck. This. 

Seriously. Fuck it. 

We here at A Guy With Some Marvel Cards are longstanding Luke Cage fans, but this bullshit is JUST unacceptable. 

Luke Cage wears the yellow blouse and chain belt or this prestigious website does not acknowledge it as a GENUINE Luke Cage. 

Setting aside for a moment wardrobe choices here’s my OTHER Luke Cage problem. He got his powers (super-strength, bulletproof skin, etc) when he let himself be experimented on in exchange for parole. Who thought that THAT was a good idea? 

Scientist: “Hello Warden. We’d like to do some experiments on some prisoners. The procedure will give them super strength and and other various super powers. Once we’ve finished these procedures we’d like you to grant them parole thus turning super powered death/crime/rape machines out onto the streets.” 

Warden: “That sounds pretty solid. Just make sure you recruit exclusively from the ‘wrongfully accused’ wing.” 

The prison system is so busted you guys… 

Holy. Crap. Me and my beard and my Marvel cards have been acknowledged by an actual Marvel big wig.

Game changer you guys.

This is how it starts, right? The next thing I know they’re offering me a full time gig writing a book. Except it’s Excalibur. So y’know I’ll have some hard life choices to make.

Thanks Agent M. Having this pop up in my Twitter feed really was quite a thrill.

(Also, I don’t have Agent M’s OHOTMU stats right here in front of me, but I’d bet my Thing holo card that he’s faster than Quicksilver)

Look I’m not saying that you can tell a lot about a person based on whether they’re a Blue Team person or a Gold Team person, but if you’re a Gold Team person I don’t really want to talk to you and I don’t think we can be friends anymore. 

You understand, right? 

Putting aside for a moment that going to see an actual doctor named Dr. Strange would be troubling to say the least I have to admit that Doctor Strange is pretty fucking cool. 

He was a rich and fancy surgeon who got all fucked up in a car accident and THEN became a badass sorcerer. Also, he totally nailed the Night Nurse. 

Top that other doctors and wizards. 

Rogue is from the south. I’m not sure if you knew that because it’s really unclear from the way she talks. Sugah. 

Oh excuse me, do I look especially happy about the Thor Corps? 

THAT’S BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE RHYMING OK? 

Also: Horse Thor, who gets a pass from my usual horses are terrible always and forever rule because he’s from outer space and has a big space Thor hammer. 

Namorita. 

Let that sink in. 

She’s a chick Namor so they named her Namorita. 

Was EVERYONE on coke in the 70s? Was it just a toot fueled crazy fest that made everyone lose their damn minds and not even TRY when they were naming female characters? What’s the reasoning? “Well she’s a female Namor and she’s his cousin so we’ll just slap an ‘ita’ on the end of her name because that makes it sound more like a chick’s name.” You know how many female cousins I have? Like eleven thousand. You know how many of them are named “Edita”? Absolutely ZERO. If they had named her “Chick Namor” it would have been more creative because at least then they would have probably brainstormed for 20 minutes about chick vs. lady vs. gal vs. lass. 

Seriously, was Excalibur like a BIG deal in the 90s or something? I have zero recollection of this but this card set is STUPID with Excalibur cards. For real, I’m up to my junk in Kylun and Meggan cards and shit. It’s baffling. 

So let’s learn about Necrom shall we? Because we’re here together READING this bullshit so we might as well learn something right? According to the back of his card (which I can’t believe someone took the time to actually write as if anyone would notice if it was totally empty because I’m sure EVERY kid collecting Marvel Cards Series III got to the Necrom card and said “OH HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS I GOT NECROM SHUT UP SO I CAN READ HIS CARD AND TELL YOU ALL ABOUT HIS HISTORY”) he’s some sort of space sorcerer which I totally wouldn’t have guessed by his robes. If I saw this cat on the street I’d be all “dude, you look like a wizard from Jupiter” and apparently that’s not too far off. 

Another thing of note: Necrom (which is a truly terrible and zero effort name) is JUST AS FAST AS QUICKSILVER. This guy. The guy in the robes with the generic alien head so you know he’s not from around here could at the very least TIE Quicksilver in a race. And he could probably beat him because he apparently has all sorts of other wizardly powers whereas Quicksilver is JUST fast and apparently not even THAT fast. Terrible Quicksilver. Totally embarrassing. 

Is this really the future? Geriatric dudes in powerful robot bodies? What’s he going to do use his cyborg powers to push a shopping cart around Safeway with one bunch of bananas in the basket on a hot day? Mall walk with his robot legs? Something something turn signal on? 

OLD PEOPLE AM I RIGHT?!?! 

I’ll tell you what’s an abomination. Not this big bag of green scaly gamma irradiated fanged fury comin’ right atcha. No, the true crime against nature here is 90s Marvel’s goddamn obsession with trench coats. 

Where do you even BUY a trench coat in a size 56 tall and irradiated? Especially when it looks like you live in the sewer (dude, you’re not Killer Croc, have a little class)? 

Team-up indeed. Listen, I’m as open minded as the next guy, but human/robot love? No dice! 

ADAM AND EVE NOT A PILE OF NUTS AND BOLTS AND WIRES AND METAL AND EVE! 

Clearly my slogan need work. 

Fuck the haters. Metal winged, blue skinned, former angel of death, hella broody Archangel Angel is the best Angel. 

Who wants to read about some blond haired rich pretty boy dickhead who ALSO has awesome and powerful angel wings? That’s like a dude with a cute puppy, adorable child, charming personality, good job, and a big dick hitting the local park looking for ladies. You can’t compete with that shit.