A Guy With Some Marvel Cards

The Collector, eh? Excuse me. No “The”, just Collector. How are we making the call on that? Who decides which characters get a “The” before their name? People are always saying “The Batman”, “The Green Lantern”, “The Hulk”, and “The Green Goblin”, but I’ve never heard anyone say “The Spider-Man”, “The Superman”, or “The Captain America”. Someone get on that. 

And this space nerd is the Collector of what exactly? Insane 90s costume cliches? Seriously, just LOOK at those boots/shinguards/silver knee pads. What is going ON there? 

This guy was Hoarders before Hoarders was a thing. He doesn’t need the Avengers to defeat him, he needs an intervention, a maid, and a storage locker. 

Look at that outfit. Just LOOK at it. That’s not an ok thing to put in a comic book that awkward kids are going to read. 

The X-Men and my adolescence induced raging hormones combined to give me a lot of weird boners. 

Of all of Professor X’s various conveyances I always liked this hover chair the best. It reminds me of the Jim Lee era as well as the cartoon that was a staple of every young X-fan’s nostalgic life-quilt. 

But what the hell is with 90s Marvel’s obsession with the white suit jacket? Red Skull, Professor X, The Kingpin… All wearing white jackets and looking like they should be staffing The Love Boat. 

Hang on… I have to go write my Marvel/Love Boat fanfic. 

Hate-Monger “possess the superhuman power to control and structure the hate and bigotry of others”. 

Hate-Monger is basically Glenn Beck. 

(See how I stayed away from the trench coat this time? Even though he appears to be wearing his trench coat with the SLEEVES ROLLED UP! I’m maturing you guys.) 

Oh. Oh my. 

This is clearly a case of someone being the most powerful crime boss in New York City (and possibly the entire Marvel U) and none of his flunkies saying “Hey boss… maybe between the pink pants (AND VEST), jewel topped cane, white jacket, and ascot you should maybe reevaluate your overall look”. 

At least the bottom button on his jacket is undone. I think that’s right… What do I know, I’ve been wearing basically the same black t-shrit in every picture I’ve taken for the site. 

Of all the space creature Swamp Thing looking weird intergalactic beings with unsettling baby faces Epoch is definitely my favorite. 

Also, he apparently hangs out with Quasar… So that’s automatic street/space-cred I guess because nothing says A-list like rolling around with a guy named Wendell. 

I’m not even going to get into the hair or the whole trench coat thing this time around because let’s be real I’ve beaten that horse right to death (and to be even MORE real, I’ll get back to beating that horse sometime within the next several posts). 

Wandering vigilante with a baby strapped to his back fighting crime, injustice and such? 

This sounds familiar somehow… 

And can you carry a baby and a gun at the same time? That seems wildly unsafe. Even the open carry goofs would probably take issue with that. 

It’s all here. Mullet, thigh belt, inexplicably shaped throwing knives. 

If Longshot had a trench coat he would BE 90s Marvel. 

Also, I will forever and always fail to understand how “good luck powers” work. How’s that work? Stuff just sort of works out for you? Isn’t that kind of the same as being a really hot girl? Where you’re hot and everyone likes you and gives you stuff and does stuff for you and things just sort of naturally work out in your favor? 

That’s kind of how I see good luck powers working. Basically every hot chick I know is Longshot, but with better hair. Hopefully. 

So look. We’ve been at this for a while. Let’s take a look at some of the things that we here at A Guy With Some Marvel Cards INC feel strongly about: 

• Trenchcoats 
• Mullets, ponytails, and other crimes against hair perpetrated throughout the 90s 
• Luke Cage 
• Bad female/younger versions of characters that are invented for no other reason than to have a female/younger version of a character exist 
• The mediocrity of Excalibur 
• Amazingly bad accents/dialects 

Cannonball is from Kentucky. Guess which category HE falls into. 

Awwww shucks y’all… you’d have to be crazier than a barn cat fulla moonshine to try to guess this one. 

Sweet goggles though. Those things are way on point. 

But seriously, a filthy mutie AND from Kentucky… Poor rocket powered kid can’t catch a break. 

It’s been a straight up busted ass couple of weeks so let’s get things back on track with a sweet hologram Hulk card. 

This makes the third hologram card that I’ve pulled so far, which according to my checklist puts me just a Ghost Rider and a Venom away from a full hologram set. So basically this day is looking up already. Also, I’m pretty sure that’s a Sam Keith Hulk (feel free to correct me NERDS) so that’s pretty cool too. 

Holo-Hulk. Rescuing days from the ashes of crappiness. Thanks Holo-Hulk!  

The hardest thing about being the Punisher is that your pants are ALWAYS falling down at the thighs. Luckily Microchip (who tragically doesn’t have a card in this set, because who DOESN’T love a pudgy nerd who hangs out in a van and knows a lot about weapons) rigged up these sweet thigh belts to keep Frank’s pants from doing anything stupid. 

Good lookin’ out Micro. 

Fuck. This. 

Seriously. Fuck it. 

We here at A Guy With Some Marvel Cards are longstanding Luke Cage fans, but this bullshit is JUST unacceptable. 

Luke Cage wears the yellow blouse and chain belt or this prestigious website does not acknowledge it as a GENUINE Luke Cage. 

Setting aside for a moment wardrobe choices here’s my OTHER Luke Cage problem. He got his powers (super-strength, bulletproof skin, etc) when he let himself be experimented on in exchange for parole. Who thought that THAT was a good idea? 

Scientist: “Hello Warden. We’d like to do some experiments on some prisoners. The procedure will give them super strength and and other various super powers. Once we’ve finished these procedures we’d like you to grant them parole thus turning super powered death/crime/rape machines out onto the streets.” 

Warden: “That sounds pretty solid. Just make sure you recruit exclusively from the ‘wrongfully accused’ wing.” 

The prison system is so busted you guys… 

Holy. Crap. Me and my beard and my Marvel cards have been acknowledged by an actual Marvel big wig.

Game changer you guys.

This is how it starts, right? The next thing I know they’re offering me a full time gig writing a book. Except it’s Excalibur. So y’know I’ll have some hard life choices to make.

Thanks Agent M. Having this pop up in my Twitter feed really was quite a thrill.

(Also, I don’t have Agent M’s OHOTMU stats right here in front of me, but I’d bet my Thing holo card that he’s faster than Quicksilver)

Look I’m not saying that you can tell a lot about a person based on whether they’re a Blue Team person or a Gold Team person, but if you’re a Gold Team person I don’t really want to talk to you and I don’t think we can be friends anymore. 

You understand, right? 

Putting aside for a moment that going to see an actual doctor named Dr. Strange would be troubling to say the least I have to admit that Doctor Strange is pretty fucking cool. 

He was a rich and fancy surgeon who got all fucked up in a car accident and THEN became a badass sorcerer. Also, he totally nailed the Night Nurse. 

Top that other doctors and wizards.